Reminiscin a year ago...

Feb. 23, 2008, exactly a year ago when I had my last major operation. 5:00 am of that same day when I woke up, hoping for a safe delivery of my baby girl. I had mixed feelings. I felt excited to see my very first baby girl, I felt agitated for having another CS operation, I felt uneasy for having another scar on my body, I felt all jittery because I know I'll be having a ligation right after my baby comes out, ang knowing that she'll be my last baby, I felt apprehensive...feel like wanting to back out from our decision to cut the possibility of having a baby once again. But I have to stick to what we have decided for the good of my health and the possible fetus that would live in my womb. I have lost 2 children and don't want to take the risk of losing again another gift from God. And it was the fact that made me cohere with the decision. I was not allowed to eat anything from 12mn till i deliver the baby. I brushed my teeth, took a shower just after i finished dressing up, the hospital assistant and the nurse knocked the door which made my heart go thumping faster and faster...I keep wondering why my heart beats so fast yet I already know what will happen next. 6:00am I was so anxious and I keep asking the nurse "you have to give me and I.V. first to make me a little sleepy before you bring me to the OR right? go give me a shot now.." I keep telling this to the nurse becuase I don't want to feel normal while on our way to the OR. The nurse then told me "yes mommy, I'm about to give it to you.." And so I felt a little relieved. On my way to the operating room I keep praying for a safe delivery and that I won't be edgy with the situation. Trying to calm myself, I keep closing my eyes, I want to sleep... I can't have a high blood pressure so I keep thinking of good things to relieve my tension. 7:00am ..Now's the time when one by one the OR staffs, nurses and doctors keep walking in front of my bed..can't actually remember who they are and what they looked like since i was a little groggy already... One by one they are asking lots of questions to me, trying to joke around to settle my mood. I can't be sleeping during the operation. I can't be tensed, I can't be nervous... When they told me to lie on my side to give me the anesthesia and asked me to reach my knees with my forehead, thats the worst heart beat i ever felt. It went faster and faster and i don't feel like moving and help myself so the big guy tried to help me bend over and I really felt the needle.....until slowly i felt numbness on my lower part.... From there I can't really remember how i profess my tension. For all I know the first thing was I  feel like vomiting and then I did. After that the anesthesiologist tried to tell me stories which wouldn't matter to me... Just to make me feel awake. Not so long after that, My OB told me that I keep talking and talking and they felt I was having a nervous breakdown already.. I even told her "doc, lumalakas tibok ng puso ko mamamatay na ata ako...." According to my doctor, I keep uttering this phrase for several times and she asked the anesthesiologist to put me to sleep or else they can't proceed to the operation since my blood pressure was then rising... When they gave me a shot I suddenly felt blocked out. I really thought that was my end. I woke up already in my room, they didn't put me to recovery room so long because it won't help. Good thing when i woke up, I already saw my mother in law... and assured me the baby is safe. So I smiled. I really told her "ma, akala ko patay na ako." and she laughed, because she knew my tension disaster all along...But at least all my heardships are worth it..I'm so happy with my babies, my life and my hubby....Thank Goodness I won't be having to undergo such operations again....